Dear Counsellor, Her ex is stressing me out : I am married to a woman who has a child from a previous relationship. We have been together for almost a year now.

With Wayne Powell MA Counselling Psychology Relationship Counsellor

Monday, August 11, 2014    

Dear Counsellor,

I am married to a woman who has a child from a previous relationship. We have been together for almost a year now. We are not living in the same area, it's about an eight hour drive. Her ex lives in the area she's in. He does not want his child to have a stepdad. He doesn't see his child a lot, but when my wife is with me, he will ask permission to see the child. I'm so stressed because of this guy.

Model

One of the topics that will be discussed in premarital counselling sessions with couples where one or both partners have children from former relationships is the matter of dealings with the former spouse and the boundaries to be established. The fact that your wife has a child with her ex makes it very difficult for her not to communicate with him as they have to discuss matters pertaining to the child.

What is important is that clearly defined boundaries must be established between your wife and the child's father. This is even more critical with the fact that they live in close proximity to each other. He should not, for example, drop in unannounced and any inappropriate advances by him must be rebuffed by her. The onus is on your wife to ensure that she preserves the integrity of her marriage and she does not in any way send any mixed messages to her ex-boyfriend.

If the child lives with the mother who is married to you then it is almost impossible that you will not interact with the child. So his saying he doesn't want a stepfather is unfair. Even though you are miles away, when you do go home, as a caring husband, you will interact with the child and treat the child as your own. To be isolated from the child would not be in his/her best interest and could impair the child's emotional development.

If the father of the child insists on you not being involved in the life of the child, this could further complicate matters and cause tension between you and your wife. Again, your wife will have to play the role of mediator to make sure peace reigns between the men in her life whilst ensuring the psychological protection of the child. In the same way you have the baby mother drama, the baby father drama can be just as devastating to all parties concerned. more